A Hard Goodbye

Last week I lost my beautiful friend, Kenna. I’m still struggling with letting her go, but I guess that’s part of the process. I have really only lost grandparents in my life and what a different experience this was. I am trying to think about the last time I saw my grandparents before they died, and all I can think is that they were fine, then they were dead. With Kenna I watched her die. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to experience and it continues to be very hard. Kenna was fine too, and then all of a sudden she had cancer. I watched her go from a beautiful vibrant young woman to beautiful young woman who struggled for the last breaths she took. I am thankful that she is not suffering anymore, but I still don’t understand why she had to suffer at all.
I met Kenna in May of 2006. She came out to Henderson from National City, CA to interview for the Youth Services Department Head position. I remember pulling for the other candidate (because I knew her), but being so thankful in the long run that we ended up with Kenna. She has truly been an inspiration to me. She came into the position so quietly. I joked that I had to jump out of my seat and into her path in order to get her to say hello to me! She took a little time to become accustomed to our family at work, but she eventually fit right in. She had an excitement for kids and for making our children’s department a more kid-friendly place. So, what did she do? She painted! She turned our walls from drab (gray) to fab (multiple colors, shapes, etc.) in no time. She wasn’t afraid to try something new. She was also so warm and sweet – things I will always remember with Kenna and work are the “storytime room” and her “okay boys and girls” during storytimes.
Outside of work, Kenna was a great friend too. She loved hosting game nights, going out to eat or whatever we happened to be up to – she just wanted to be a part of the action. Her sense of humor was great – we laughed a lot together. We were able to go to Chicago together to attend a library conference and I feel lucky to have spent that time with her. We hung out and really got to know each other better. We tried to take a train from our hotel on the outskirts of town to a theatre downtown where we were watching the musical, Wicked. This was the first night of our trip – we hurried to our hotel, changed into our cute clothes and walked the two blocks to the station. Well, apparently the train was undergoing some renovations – so we travelled at about 30 miles an hour into town. Then we exited the train and had to get on a bus to get the rest of the way. When we got off the bus, I led us in the wrong direction for about three blocks, so when we turned around we had about six blocks to walk – in heels – before we hit the theatre! What an adventure. Needless to say we hailed a taxi for our outings for the rest of the trip. Her go-with-the-flow personality made the adventure fun.
When Kenna was diagnosed with cancer in July of 2008, I thought for sure a mistake had been made. Then I fully believed she would get chemo, or a surgery, and the cancer would go away and she would be fine. I think it was in September when I came to the realization that she wasn’t going to be fine. She was so upbeat around her friends that it was hard for us to tell that she was hurting so much and that her body was being taken over by the cancer. She didn’t want us to feel bad or suffer at the thought of her pain, so she hid it. We never really had a serious talk about the fact that she had cancer and the fact that it really really sucked! I wanted her to scream out and be furious about it – but she wanted me and all of her friends to be okay, so she didn’t do that in front of us. For awhile I didn’t know if she had accepted her situation, but looking back now I believe she was aware of the fact that she was dying, she just chose to deal with it privately because she thought it would cause less pain for those around her. What a noble, beautiful thing. She was always looking out for us…putting others before herself.
We were able to have some fun times in the seven months after she was diagnosed before she left us. We had chats when I would take food over for her and her family; Kenna, Elizabeth and I went shopping for a wig when she started losing her hair during chemo; we had a pink wig picnic; decorated for Christmas; and celebrated her birthday. It was great to do these things with Kenna, but looming in my mind was always – Will this be the last movie Kenna sees in a theater? Will she have another Christmas? Another Birthday?
I have learned that life is precious. We can’t get so caught up in the things we do that we don’t enjoy our time on earth. I hope and pray that Kenna is in a beautiful place – looking out for all of us. I know that no matter what her beautiful spirit lives on. It lives on in everyone she touched and I promise to keep her memory alive. I love you, Kenna!